10 Years Ago – Part 4

 

 

   November 10, 2005- fall was in, leaves covering the ground and the wind shattering the old windows as we snuck down to his office. The door shut as I turned around, I was a nervous wreck. I Knew that something was going to happen just wasn’t sure due to our surroundings. It had only been a month since we started talking on a more personal level, I remember him sitting in his chair as I sat on his desk. I reached in and felt the two of our lips connect- I had dreamed of this moment, what it would feel like to share a kiss with this man. Something so wrong never felt so good, it was that day I knew I could never go back. As I was reliving this memory, we were pulling up the park and there he sat with his back turned to us.

 Couldn’t keep the tears from streaming because I had already began pressing the rewind button of every moment we had spent together, if only we could make time sit still. My heart was pounding, my palms sweaty and my eyes bloodshot red from crying the last 4 hours- As I reached the picnic table, we made eye contact as I sat across from him. The guilt and embarrassment that showed upon my face as I said I was so sorry. He told me that I didn’t have to be sorry, that this whole ordeal wasn’t my fault. The look in his eye was sincere as he spoke to me, I could see the pain and the thoughts of the unknown running circles in his head.

 The only thought I couldn’t process was that I knew this would be the last time I would ever see him and get the chance to express myself to him-not caring that my mother was  present. If anything I wanted her to see that what he and I had was love – not some sick obsession that would later be portrayed once my mom reported it to authorities.

 Its funny how two individuals were able to come together, love each other, and be an escape for one another through the obstacle of our fuckery lives at home- just always amazed me. Even though what we had hid for the last 2 years was wrong and viewed in a disgusting manner we never tried to justify it- You can’t, we knew we couldn’t hide this forever.

 My mother observed us, she was still in shock and the only thing that would come out her mouth was degrading comments how disgusting he was for messing around with a “little girl”.She said “so you guys love each other huh?” as she took a drag from her cigarette, without hesitation we both said yes. He went on to say ” Cindy I can’t help that I fell in love with your daughter, you don’t understand how many times I’ve tried not to love her and end things between us-  I know how sick it sounds.” She goes to say “well what am I suppose to do now? Just let you walk scott free after taking advantage of my daughter?”  He tells her you got to do what you think is best, I just ask that have mercy for the sake of my kids”. That set my mom off,  she said “Why?” You didn’t when you were taking advantage of my little girl you sick fuck “. I wished he didn’t say that because my mom was livid and wanted to leave because she just couldn’t handle the conversation let alone sit across from her daughters offender.

 It then hit me that I didn’t know what was to come after leaving the park, I couldn’t stop balling my eyes out because this was an unknown goodbye. It wasn’t setting well with me, I just needed one more hug, some kind of affection. I asked my mom if I could hug him goodbye, surprisingly she agreed to it. Still to this day I don’t know why she did, maybe because she knew that no matter how fucked up this situation was – she knew he really loved me and knew I felt the same. He reached his arms out and I just ran into them, his scent soaking into my t-shirt from holding me tight, his head resting on my mine- reassuring me that everything was going to be ok. Deep down we both knew things would go down hill once we let go of one another and went our separate ways.

 I can’t explain the pain that I experienced that day, as he pulled away, releasing me back into the world I no longer felt safe in – He told me “Ciera, I love you so much, I will talk to you tomorrow ok?” I knew he was lying and just wanted to help subside the pain that shown through every physical part of me. Just like that we parted ways not knowing what tomorrow held, his fate laid in my mothers hands.

 I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did that day, once we arrived home I isolated myself in my room, didn’t want to be around any one, especially my mom. The longest night of my life was only the beginning, what was to come the rest of the week I wasn’t prepared but then again when are you? The next day my mother forced me to go to school only to sign me out early, this time we were heading to the police station and not a park. She had made up her mind, I just couldn’t grasp the thoughts and feelings screaming at me inside- ” Why couldn’t we just waited until I was 18?”

 I was forced to sit with a detective and his assistant for two hours as they drilled me with question after question. I can replay that day as if it took place yesterday, I felt numb. I didn’t know how to exist with my world being shattered. I wasn’t allowed to be by myself unless I was in my room or asleep, I couldn’t leave- I was just stuck with allowing all the pain to sink in. It was only day 2, by the end of the week our local newspaper had got word on what was going on and before you knew it the town was aware as well as the whole state of Ohio. It’s not like everyday you  see “TEACHER ACCUSED OF HAVING SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH STUDENT”, that will forever be an imprint within me. Nothing like waking up and seeing the news crew outside your home wanting an interview with my mother. I didn’t resume back to school until the following week and by then my secrete was out and the stares and whispers began.

  Nothing like being the laughing stalk as I walked down the hallway, I was bullied the remaining of my freshmen year. I remember walking to my 5th period class and this boy who I had went to school since the 6th grade thought it would be funny to yell ” Ew you fucked Mr. Powers, your fucking disgusting”, what was I to do? Retaliate? I ended up having to be excused from class that day because I wasn’t able to handle it anymore. I had nowhere to run, my home treated me as a shame- I betrayed my mother, she said I made her look a fool to the town. People would question “where was the mother of the daughter?” How didn’t she know about the relationship that had been going on for almost 2 years? School became another shame- everyone knew who I was, I was talked about, laughed at and to make things worse some of the teachers began to treat me differently. People were claiming that I made everything up and that I was falsely accusing him. Lastly I was heart broken- the only exit I knew was though him, but he was gone.

  I was beyond happy when school ended, I couldn’t last another week in that shit hole. All that crossed my mind was him, how bad he was being treated. It felt like the whole town was watching me, all eyes on me. How is it that one day I wake up and I am the sweet, loving, some what popular girl to being the little whore who messed around with a grown man and ruined his life. It was quite amazing the names I was called- didn’t know a 15 year old could be called such things, I could only imagine what Dustin was going through.

My summer was had became one of the worse times in my life…

 

 

Anxiety You’ve Been Dismissed

Allowing myself to exist is like allowing all my walls to come tumbling down, as if they were never built. Like my intentions were to stall the growth of the women who I am to become. Finding the truth through losing control and biting the truth because fully admitting our wrongs means you have to go back and retry.

Hiding from the truth only caused further damages that you tried to replenish…..all these wrongs converted to rights for once this time and yet nothing sets well- your still unleveled. 

If only they could touch my mind… clear the pain that still resides, hear my soul cry out for help as my knees cave into my chest.

Dam look at this mess, where’s the pills to clean up this shit?

Every single moment your telling yourself you’ll be alright, the pill should be kicking in as you stare at the problem from the other end… waiting for revenge. You found a way out only for it to attack again once the sedation worn its course. Your back to being the victim. 

You just can’t win, there’s no such thing in finding a way – Losing your mind is part of this game but wait when did life become an obsession to want to exist without this incurable diagnosis.

There’s no such thing in walking away when it insist on ruining your everyday. These chains only you can feel weighing you down, the only view the outside can see is you struggling to make ends meet .

How do you explain something that’s out of your hand… when underestimated you still feel blind- Does it matter that you drew a line?

Crazy how you wrapped me around your finger, perhaps me fighting this last time you’ll see that I refuse to throw the towel in.

Anxiety you thought you’d be the death of me- never hated you the way I do right now

Never wanted anything more than to roll out bed  and resume the life I had before you strolled my way. Its not like I can call you up and say I quit because life was never intended for shortcuts but I think 2 years has been long enough- Please make your way out so I can fulfill what’s left of me while I still have the energy .

Sincerely,

          The girl you have been trying to control

“I’m becoming a better me, so that loving me is easier & not a struggle”

10 Years Ago – Part 3

You never know what reality feels like until it literally slaps you in the face. I always had thoughts cross my mind about how it would be if we got caught. Each scenario played out differently, truth be told I honestly thought the relationship would end on its own .

Its funny right when I was at my weakest point, you popped up like nothing had happened as if you didn’t disappear for a couple weeks. I recall moments after me breaking down in front of mother, you show up 30 minutes later. Outside my house my mother watched as we held conversation for about 15 minutes.  What we thought was back on track was soon to be missing tracks- For it was too late…

I woke up the next few days as if my life was back to normal, we had resumed where we left off so what worries would I have? As these thoughts troll as I sit in class, I get a note from the office stating that I’m leaving school early and to gather my things.  I was caught off guard and wasn’t sure why I was leaving school and who was picking me up. I walked to the office to find my mother standing there lost in shock as if something had happened. I ask her if everything is ok? She nods and states that we need to leave, I ask if I have a appointment somewhere that I didn’t know of and she says no. I knew something was off and that feeling I got in my stomach will be one I could never forget.

We are driving in the car in pure silence, I could tell something was up by the time I was going to ask what is wrong again.. My mother came out of nowhere stating ” What’s been going on with you and Mr. Powers?” My heart dropped, instant sickness with cloudy thoughts. As I type this I can feel that overwhelming feeling as I did 10 years ago. I remember what car we drove, what street we were on, the weather and the background sound as if it was just yesterday.

I had been lying to my mother for the last 2 years, so why would this time be any different? I replied to her and said nothing, what are you talking about? She goes to say that ” She found my journal”. By now I’m speechless and the only thing crossing my mind is I gotta get away and let him know, but that was no option.  My mom is driving , at this point I had no clue where we were going, she ends up pulling into a park that not many people go to because its often forgotten about.  We go and sit on a bench, she then asks    ” Are you fucking Mr. Powers?” I continue to deny everything that she has asked. I didn’t believe that she had found my journal and if there was any chance she had made it up to try to get any information out I would deny it. I was wrong because she stated that she found a page in it saying ” I’m in love with a married man”, by then I knew she knew.

I couldn’t help but to ball my eyes out, I knew there was no turning back. My world had finally hit rock bottom, felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I was numb, all my life I had been looking for an escape. I loved a man who was out of my reach and in the eyes of others they could never understand . I didn’t feel the need to explain what I had been hiding for the last 2 years, what was the purpose? We had already became a label without telling our story and because it was wrong we didn’t get the chance to justify it.

 My mother had called him and left a voice mail stating that she needed to talk to him about my rare behavior that she had noticed and wanted to see if he had any advice. We sat at the park for hours as I began to spill out what had been my life . I watched my mother cry her eyes out as my timeline revealed itself, I couldn’t process the hurt she had felt and still to this day still hold. She felt like a failure, her little girl sneaking around with a man she trusted, a man who she thought was in my life for good reasoning. Never did she think that it would be the opposite . I explained to her that I was in love with him and that he was in love with me. She couldn’t help but to shake her head and cry out as if this didn’t exist and just scream ” Why God?, Why?” She blamed herself.

Though light was in the air… I wasn’t able to see clear. My eyes swollen as if I cried all night, my heart pounding as if I were being chased, my body not knowing how to exist and its only been a few hours since I had been exposed. I think my mother could relate, we both were in pain, denial and just drew blanks. After telling her everything, we just sat in silence.

He had returned her call, they made plans to meet up in a few hours in the same exact place. She was going to confront him, she wanted to hear his side, she wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt her. I could see it in her eyes, I feared for his life because I grew up seeing the things my mother has been through and how she reacts.

My mother took me home and told her then boyfriend that I was to go nowhere and to sit in my room . He had no clue what was going on, just like that she left. I didn’t want to exist , didn’t want to know what it felt like to not have him in my life – I couldn’t imagine what was to follow after this day .

Out of rage and pain, I flew down the steps and went into the kitchen and grabbed the first knife I could find, I wanted to slit my wrist, I wanted to end my life because I couldn’t deal with what was going on. I felt like I was trapped, felt like I had been taken back to the day where I was kept against my well in that small bathroom where my molester dug his nails into the back of my neck forcing me to do things no little girl should have to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe just as I did in that very moment, I had made up my mind that I no longer wanted to feel any of this pain.

I dug into my wrist only for my moms boyfriend to come running in snatching it out of my hand- screaming at me . I remember shoving him and trying to hit him- he didn’t understand what was going on- he just wrapped his arms around me and held me.  he calmed me down- I sat in silence waiting for my mother to return.

She had been gone for 2 hours, when she came back all she said was “you guys are sick”. I asked her what did he say… she turned around and said ” He loves you, he sat in front of me and told me – Cindy I’m in love with your daughter”.  I asked her if I could say goodbye to him because I knew I would never see him again and wasn’t quite sure what she planed to do. As she walks away she goes to tell me that we are leaving in a hour to meet up with him at the park .

To Be Continued…

 

“I let my hair down, I run my finger through the cracks of my skin as if they were a bandage to make me forget”

 

10 Years Ago – Part 2

Going into my freshmen year was unreal, I’ve never felt so overwhelmed with life.  I played a lot of sports that required a lot of my time. Once one ended another would start up, between juggling sports and school- I had my relationship that felt like it was in the water. Transitioning from seeing each other every day to only seeing him on the weekends. He and his wife had another child toward the end of my 8th grade year, so his time was consumed.

 What do you do when spending time together is put on hold? You get close with the wife- in my case attempt .His wife wasn’t fond of me after hearing a voicemail I had left on his phone, she approached him with endless questions as to why I was leaving messages on his phone claiming I loved him- somehow he got out of that one.  She didn’t think much of her husband hanging out with one of his past students especially after telling her some made up story regarding my voicemails.

  I didn’t care if I only got to see him for 20 minutes – it was worth it. I used to ride my bike over to his house, we would hang out until it was almost time for her to get off work. When holidays approached we used it to our advantage, with my mom at work – his wife at work.. Guess who had free time? I really enjoyed those days – felt like our relationship was like others, only difference was the age.

  We had our own meet up spot, how we never got caught there was a shocker. Our local hospital that was down the street from my house was where we would meet. Sometimes we wouldn’t even leave the parking lot, what felt like hours was only a 2 hour visit. During football season I would tell my mom I was going to the boys game when really I’d be out in the country going for long car rides. 

 You never know how much your into someone until you find yourself willing to risk everything just for one more time. Its like a drug that keeps you fueled, once sober you get a taste of the world that would never understand and accept you. In their eyes our relationship was unacceptable, in our eyes we were two individuals who fell in love through conversation. Most people view our relationship as me getting taken advantage of and sex being the spotlight of it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 15, almost 2 years into our relationship that I had gone without giving that part of me up- I didn’t have to.

I had fallen in love through his conversation, his needs and desires that he looked forward to achieving. There’s something about falling in love with somebody’s mind , personality, body and soul – its another level you can only wish to experience. Now days your lucky to earn that, most are just wanting to dive right in after observing each others social media or a couple lovey dovey texts exchanged. You think that image is who they are, when really its just a cover to their story. While your trying to skip to chapter 10, he’s already cutting the pages short because you thought expressing yourself sexually would earn something on his end- Sorry sweetie you just earned a dirty twat with regrets because he’s not conversing like he did before you let him hit.

Okay I got side tracked……Opps but seriously am I wrong?

 Anyhow, our relationship struggled once I hit high school. Like most women you get emotional when you feel neglected and not wanted. It was hard to hide what was my life, If I showed to much emotion without a known trigger my mother would catch on. My outlet was my journal, I documented everything….I mean EVERYTHING. I also wrote a lot of poetry- I kept each book on my headboard. Now thinking back that was stupid, especially since that’s  how my mother found out about us. If only she would’ve picked it up sooner than when she did- she’d probably have less guilt and not be so hard on herself for letting something like this slip under her nose.

 He and I had played my mother, had her convinced that he was like a father figure to me. With my father not present in my life at the time, I think she wanted to fill that void I had when seeking that kind of love. She found my writing as a therapy, just as she did when she was younger. My mom respected my privacy for the most part – I wasn’t the problem child.

 Journaling and poems were my release, like I stated before the only person who knew about us was my best friend from 6th grade. She’s was my only outlet beside writing, without her I’d probably would’ve lost my mind. From 13 to almost 16 she kept my secrete, I couldn’t ask for a better friend.

 It wasn’t until the end of my freshman year would my life take a turn. I felt like we were in a phase, less communication, less visits- our relationship was falling apart because honestly it wasn’t realistic. I remember him coming to one of my track meets, it was odd. Something felt off as if there was a change in the atmosphere. He and my mother would talk while watching me do my event. My mother sensed something was off with he and I. I remember her telling me she didn’t like the way he watched me .

 I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks after that because he stopped returning my calls. I left numerous voicemails, I would have my mom take the same way home from the store because he lived in the direction as we did. I wanted to see if you home, couldn’t comprehend why you were ignoring me. I couldn’t process the hurt and pain I felt for those 2 weeks. I was good at hiding my feelings but this time I couldn’t, I was living a lie. So much on my plate at that age, I was good at pretending . While most teenagers problems were getting accepted on the varsity squad or getting asked to homecoming- I was over here living a second life that was silently tearing me apart.

 With 2 weeks left of my 9th grade year, my behavior had changed and my mom was catching on. One day after coming home from school, my mother was in the kitchen cooking- I engaged in a conversation with her. One minute I’m laughing and the next I’m in full tears. How could I vent to my mom that at the age of 15 my 36 year old boyfriend has been ignoring my calls and that I feared our relationship was done. 

 The moment I let my weakness show, my mother knew there was something wrong and that things didn’t add up to my odd outburst, a mother’s instinct is always right. What she found a couple days later would forever change our lives..

 

 TO BE CONTINUED…. 

 

Final Break Up

 

   I woke up not knowing that today would be the last time I’d talk to you, unwilling accepting the decision that has placed us separate pages. I didn’t think much of it until the next day realizing that my phone wasn’t lit up with you being the first person I’d see and talk to as I started my day. I had blocked you from every means of communication the night before after you made it clear you were “Done with this shit – that I should go be with my baby daddy”. Kind of just made me pause as if you had this planned along.. How was it so easy for you to throw away the last year an half over an argument that would have played itself out.

 I know it’s not right, we been through this a million times- But tell me what’s love without these fights? Aren’t we worth the try?

 I closed my eyes thinking this can’t be right, I’ve had my insecurities where I stood when it came to us. Made me question whether I was really happy with just settling with someone who constantly had me doubting what we built. The old me would’ve just ran and took it as a loss because it’s always been easier to run then to feel stuck. Not with you, these last couple months I wanted you and nothing less. I wanted to fight and believe that last time we broke up and made up wasn’t a waste, because this time I gave you all of me with nothing to lose but time.

 Past few months counseling had opened my eyes to my flaws and stubbornness that I possessed when being in this relationship. I put my pride aside and welcomed changed because I knew that if this meant having you for the rest of my life- I’d go through hell and back just to have you.

 I can’t even lie, I entertained the thought of leaving you recently because we couldn’t see eye to eye. Everything would get blown up, to keep from fighting I’d give in even if I didn’t agree. You took advantage of that only for you to expect it every time a conflict were to arise.  It’s like our relationship kept unfolding and you didn’t seem to be interested in building the walls back up. It was like your needs came first and whatever energy you had left you’d put forth as long as it wasn’t exhausting-I told myself I’d give us another chance before taking the next step expressing why I wanted to exit.

  Funny part is you beat me, I didn’t get that chance. I can’t help but to think like ”hey you wanted this”, but deep down I don’t know what do now that you don’t exist.

It’s only been a week , the man I had fell in love with has come alive again only difference is I no longer exist. I guess I missed the memo where you have to be single to get the same individual you first met.

  I’d love to say that I’m okay and that I’m out enjoying my new status.. But that would just prolong the pain.  I keep reminding myself that I’ve been through this before that the pain should feel familiar – But doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt.

 What hurts the most is that just last week we were exchanging I love You, now this week you already seemed to have moved on.  Going on dates , exchanging numbers, sleeping with other women because god knows its been awhile since our schedules haven’t been lining up.   Just makes me think I must of been a inconvenience and you just didn’t know how to let me go without it being made a scene. I guess the joke is on me, you did same thing in your previous relationship so why would you change this inherited behavior. 

  You were my first to just about everything when it comes to a significant other…never thought the break up would have me hurting in every spot. You control my thoughts just for it to pull up memories that keep causing a glitch in letting go .

                 I wish you the best, pray that you get the most out of the life ❤️

 

10 Years Ago – Part One

Growing up I had lost my childhood before I was given one, I had always been told I was wise beyond my years but that didn’t make it okay- it just put a dent in what I still have yet to repair. 

They say pain strengthens but what exactly is it making stronger? Your tolerance? Your will? To me its a open wound that doesn’t know how to heal because of the abuse. How many band aids do you have to apply before acknowledging that fact that you need to find another way to stop the bleed – in my case the pain.

 Being molested at a young age has always put my stomach in knots, I can remember that day like it was yesterday. From the beginning to the end it replays like a horror movie with no ending – no rescue – no justice, Just a day that will always seem like a special occasion because he broke me.

 Ever since then I have been attracted to men who resembled a father figure. Going through my youth I woukd always find myself attracted to these men, why at the age 7-13  would I even have those thoughts was beyond me.  It wasn’t until I was 13 that I had crossed the line by bringing my obsession to light with my middle school gym teacher.

  People who know my story have always asked how did I get his attention? Everyone assumed It was sexual from the get go, they only knew what the news reported . Only one that knew was my best friend and later my mother once she found out that I had been hiding a 2 year relationship with my teacher.

 It started as friendship, a bond that was unbreakable. I was able to talk to him about anything, he wasn’t aware of my infatuation with him until I had lost control, allowing myself to open up to him. Before volleyball practice I would always stand outside to talk to him-  he always gave me hug when we saw each other. One day I went to say my goodbyes and let “I love you ” slip out.  I was so embarrassed that I literally took off running balling my eyes out because I knew that from that day forth things would never be the same.    

 I had prepared myself that weekend to get the cold shoulder from him when school resumed from break, but to my surprise I was wrong. It was like I had broke the ice only to ignite a flame that would eventually destroy both of our families.

 I had found my escape from home and life itself. My mother was in abusive relationship with an alcoholic for 8 years, those who have experienced it can relate to the environment I lived in . Only peace I found was through sports and my relationship with my teacher.

  The attention he provided me and the love I had been missing filled the cracks that kept my heart intact. Our relationship grew through small talks, letters, phone calls, and meets ups. While my mom thought I was over a friends house, I was really with him. While his wife thought he out running errands or relaxing at home he was with me. The two of us stuck in a world where we no longer wanted to be unless we were involved in each others.

  Like any relationship we had our ups and downs – nobody’s s perfect. By the end of my 8th grade we had drawn attention that resulted in us having a face to face talk with the principle. She had stated how people had been talking and stating that we had been spending too much time together within the school premises.  For a minute I had feared that our secrete was out… but I couldn’t let it show.

 She went on stating that if there was something going on – that we needed to end it.  I was blown away by her response, obviously she had some kind of insight that our relationship wasn’t a typical student/ teacher. Believe it not .. we went another year before my mother finding out that her little girl was having a affair with a married man who happened to be my teacher from middle school. By this time I was freshmen and at a different location, this is when our relationship tested the waters.  

Stay tuned for part two!

I’ve Loved and I’ve Learned

Dating has never been my thing, better yet my luck.  My biggest fear has always been would they ever learn to love my Autistic son the way they had grown to love me. Over the past few years of watching my son go through the transition with his disability, I had mentally prepared myself that the percentage of him living on his own is like playing the lottery. It hit me that I would be his long-term caregiver and if I were to be involved with someone, they as well would be a part of that care.

 From that day on it was like a numb feeling, the men I was attracted to were far beyond me or my life style and son didn’t seem to fit their “Bigger Picture”. You eventually get burned and stop entertaining the dream of you standing at the end of the aisle in a pretty white dress, waiting to say I do. Like any person, your selfish ways take a toll by wrapping you into believing that you deserve certain things because you’ve been cheated out of getting them.

  For a while my dating life had become my worst enemy, I had lost all respect for myself. My morals had simply became none less than a word rather than a feeling, motivation, goals, last but not least who I stood for -ME. I thought I had found love in mist of being a mistress. I was so blind and selfish to entertain another man’s needs that had gone unaddressed by their significant other. It didn’t phase me then because at the time I felt that my needs were more important.

  From the endless texts, phone calls, meeting up and endless sex I found myself settling for necessities rather than something and someone I could call my own. Instead I took a detour, figured if they were willing to cheat then I must have had something that was worth leaving to be with me. Like every other mistress we hype up these fantasies – But why?

Each affair that I allowed to take place was the same scenario, I’d fall and they leave. I’d start to move on and somehow they would chase and end up in my bed by the end of the day. What I thought was love had turned into nothing but an hour of sex and his scent absorbed into my bed spread. As he walked away calling his wife to tell her he’s is running late, to not wait that he’d be home shortly.

Those days will forever haunt me for scooping so low, to wreck homes that could’ve failed on their own, instead I was a part of their equation. The last affair I had cut me deep and I had promised from that day on I’d leave that life behind for it was wrong and had made me into someone who I was no longer proud of.

  I stayed away from those relationship only to find myself trying to force one that had no intentions of existing on that level.  I didn’t enter my first relationship until I was 23, every other relation that I had allowed in my life was either just sex or had no chance so what was the point in introducing my child to them. My problem was I worked in an industry that allowed me fantasize when I was suppose to be selling them the fantasy.

Now at the age of 25 , after numerous attempts in trying to save my previous relationship I find myself at peace.  I’ve been the side chick, got cheated on, cheated back, full-blown relationship – all an experience I wouldn’t take back because I’ve grown into this women who knows what I want and need in a man when it comes to myself and my son. Most importantly I am finding myself and learning to love myself without the approval of another. That feeling is almost like love at first sight, best part about it is that I don’t have to be afraid to put myself out there , I don’t have to worry about building wall , I don’t have to protect myself from none other than me-  I trust that I know my worth .

“You can apologize a million times But it still won’t make things okay, Unless your willing to Change”

 

 

 

Building Puzzles

   It never occurred to me why a puzzle piece was used as an icon to represent Autism, like any every other disease there’s a meaning behind it. Over the past 5 1/2 years since becoming aware of what Autism is and experiencing it first hand with my son, I finally understand why . Everyday that goes by your constantly reinforcing things whether its hygiene, eating, watching a movie, simple task as writing your name. The puzzle is the individual- in my case its my son, the pieces are their overall routine that you try so desperately to maintain for sake of the child and selfishly yourself.

 Prior to knowing my son had autism , I just figured maybe he was just going through a phase or that it was the terrible 2’s and 3’s that played a factor in regards to his behavior. Still didn’t make any sense as to why Elijah wasn’t speaking like normal toddlers would be around that age.  Like every parent your in denial when forcing yourself to think maybe this something more serious, instead of addressing the problem – most times we ignore it and pray that it can be grown out of it.

 Regretfully, I have to raise my hand when it comes to pointing fingers in this scenario. It got to the point where I was constantly defending Elijah when I was approached by the day care centers he attended at the time. I know I’m not the only mother whose had a teacher approach them with their “Pre Diagnosis” proclaiming they know what their talking about . If I had a $100 dollar bill for every time I was approached with this nonsense I’d have a killer savings account. What made it worse was that it was a different diagnosis every time just about .

” Your child needs a good whooping”  ” Your son has ADHD” “He has Autism”

 At the age of 3 1/2 I finally made the decision to schedule appointment with Akron Children’s Hospital to see what was really going on with my Eli.  After waiting 2 hours, the doctors came in and did what I thought was a half ass assessment- The verdict was that Eli had “Global Delay Disorder”. Never heard of it and wasn’t given any resources to help him grow out of , let alone learn to communicate. Wasn’t much longer until I looked else where and that was when we finally got a the diagnosis that made sense, Autism.

 There was a sigh of relief because at least I had a stepping stone on where to start to help my son.  Took me awhile to understand why my son? Maybe this was my bad karma from the situation with his father? Or maybe it was my fault, something I did during my pregnancy.  The thought that I won’t get to see my child be like other children and have the opportunity to be independent,  be an all star athlete, go off to college and pursue a career and maybe one day have a family of his own. The percentage on that is 50/50,  but I’ll never doubt the unthinkable.

 One thing I embrace about my son’s Autism is that everyday I learn something new about him, whether its his personality, new food, things that annoy him, or even him saying words that should’ve been said years back. Its moments like this that fill my heart full of love and hope, its like falling in love all over again when you first laid eyes on them. Everyday you might have to help them find their piece to their puzzle, but just know those pieces are what make them whole .

“You can’t blend in when you were Born to stand out”