A Letter to My Offender

Over the past decade I have tried to make sense of the women I have become . I’ve tried from all angles to understand why I am the way I am, what about you that draws me back to the whiteboard .

Its taken me years of denial to finally accept the victim you made me at the age of 13 . I wish I could burn these past 16 years its been since you had me wrapped and captivated.

You told me I was special, you told me you never loved anyone like this before me. The version of me that you loved I have searched for years. Any man after you I sought a version our love that you burned within me. I was your puppet, you played with all my strings, leaving the impression that what we had was normal…. That we could be normal.

You told me I was made for you, I believed that I was made for you . The words that you bled into me were promising to a girl of my adolescent ears. I feared not being enough, I feared disappointment, I feared you. Lastly I feared what I had become .

I want so bad to understand what I felt was missing that I turned to you as my escape . You were to be an infatuation, a crush ,a slight obsession that grew beyond the means of seeking the reality of it. I wish you would’ve acknowledge this, I wish the day I initiated any means of this to you that you should’ve shut it down .

Now that I am an adult I see my life through different lens that have sewn me together . A mixture of resentment, grudge , pain, and unwillingness to forgive and let go. I feel I lost me before I could become me .

I was youth, then I became part of you. I gave up my childhood to live a life you establish for me. The boundaries you wrapped me in, the control you enforced without seeking my approval .

What I thought was love was none less shy of your need to control me. I had became your obsession . With what youth I still had you stripped me, I was to be yours and yours only .

Do you remember when you would always tell me ” I want you to have eyes for me and only for me “? I recall the letter you slipped in my locker when you found out I would be attending my 8th grade social with a boy of my age . You told me you felt betrayed and questioned my devotion towards you. What was to be one of the highlights of my 8th grade year, you took it from me. I had voiced to you my excitement of going dress shopping and getting all done up, all you heard was ” I am spending time with someone else”. I should of been more conscious how you spoke to me, I thought this was how you showed your love for me.

The mind games you played with me, the countless unanswered calls you’d dismissed, the way you would come and go out of my life had me an emotional wreck . I was 14 then , unable to comprehend your actions. I was there to please you with my mouth, give you my undivided attention to make yourself feel good. The feeling of being used was a role I often found myself playing with you.

You trolled me. You groomed the fuck out of me . Our time spent together was only a convince for you . Never did I feel safe, the anxiety that would rise within me feels too familiar now days.

The years of counseling I have endured remain a waste, I’ve been needing to end you, end us, end whatever it is that makes me feel entitled to you. Time has not healed the wounds that still burn full of hate. The 9 years you served was suppose to be my saving grace, a way to escape . Instead I served a different sentence that still lingers to me, the only one who isn’t free is me . Somehow you have moved on and forgotten the damage you’ve done . The son you’ve abandoned and left me to raise – I was a child raising a child with the only love I knew, the love you embraced with me .

You made it hard for another to love me . I have believed for years that I was viewed as damaged and only temporarily. I’ve felt branded for life with no expiration.

If only the end could be easier then the start, maybe then the version of you I’ve had serenading in my head would finally stop the hurt. I want to be done with this pain, I wanna be through this like the final stage of grief .

I’ve had to be strong when I wanted the world to lift me of any responsibility . My life, one long trail of wreckage that depletes itself, permanently marked by you.

How is it that you get the happy ending while I am still cleaning up the mess you made. The god you praise and give your all to is the same god I ask for guidance, strength and understanding.

I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be sane and have no worries . Your absence in our sons life has created a different kind of hate . Your ability to look the other way these past two years as if he doesn’t exist. The only existence of our son is the child support pulled from your weekly checks and the dust that collects on the pictures you have residing on your mantle .

I don’t think you’ll ever understand the resentment I have for you. Those letters you wrote while incarcerated had me fooled, I believed that the time you lost with our son would be a priority once you were released.

Instead of seeking him, you sought me . You used our child to get close to me. Your motives were clear- You were thinking with your dick just as you did when I was 13. You put more effort in trying to win me over then seeking your son who craved his fathers love.

I’ve been pulling your weight for over a decade, I haven’t had the time to heal, to process this life that I’ve been struggling to live. I’ve had to shove us in the closet and pretend as if we didn’t exist. Becoming a mother changed my reason to live, he was now my purpose. All the years you wrote and called, our child was always last to be entertained. I never understood why you didn’t love him the way you loved me . Why you didn’t choose him, but chose me.

I have all these delusions in my head , I have tried to piece the pieces back together to understand the man you are . I am loss for words, I can no longer pretend that this will fix itself. I am drowning, I feel I’ve been fighting a lost war . I keep thinking you’ll come to your senses and be the man you promised me, be the father that Elijah needs you to be .

I don’t want to be stuck here anymore, I want the freedom you found. I want to be at peace, but every reflection shows the broken me .

Somehow its feels as if I am the bad guy. The image you portray of me to your peers, you’d think you were the victim. From the words of your now wife ” I was already a street girl, I chased after you “. The church you attend fully supportive of you and in agreement with that statement is sickening, because you honestly believe this.

I am not the monster here, You are Dustin.

I’ve accepted that I can’t make you want to be apart of our son’s life. If anything I see that as a win, he doesn’t deserve how you have treated him. He may be autistic but he understands loyalty, trust and most importantly love.

I will soon find the comfort I am seeking. I wasn’t made for you,

– don’t you ever forget that .

Ciera

No Strings Attached

I’ve always found myself fascinated with Love, I believe in it while resenting it at the same time, I guess you could say I have become less of a believer because of past relations that have caused trauma on the behalf of such feelings.  Although I remain to be the same women, I just come with open wounds, hurt and disbelief of good things remaining.

With that being said, I have taken a different approach to this generation of dating and can’t seem to understand it, let alone live it.  We have ran love into the ground, there’s nothing but cracks in the foundation of the word DATING.  Everyone is guilty, including myself, hell my last date took place because I happened to swipe right on the guy . Yep, you guessed it -good ol bumble was to blame for that 2 1/2 weeks of lost time , $20 bucks in gas and not to mention the time I spent on “self grooming”. I don’t even shave my legs when I go hook up with my fuck buddy so you gotta know I had taken a liking to this John doe .Long story short, I have been more entertained and smiled more through conversations opposed to in person with the john doe’s. Sad right ? Its almost like being catfished  but yet the only difference I can identify is that they actually look like their pictures . I guess it could be worse but at this point my hands are tied with the fuckery of dating that I have come to conclusion that I don’t want to date. If you told me that it was as exhausting as doing cardio on the treadmill I’d like to speak for everyone and say “Nah, I AM GOOD”. Studies say you burn calories during sex and sleep – wheres the sign up sheet ?

On a serious note, I guess you can say that I have become a bit aggressive with my approach when I find myself taking a liking to some future candidate. I do the whole ” hey, how are you line” and if your lucky I may insult you with a joke that turns out to work in my favor and before you know it we are snapchat friends. You have to remember this generation is fucked in terms of dating – snapchat should just have its own dating app. If I had $100 for every time I have come into contact with a fella and conversation lasted longer than 30 mins and their interest is peaked – I am asked for my snap chat opposed to my number.

I personally fall for this and know the rest of you do as well – suckers ! Sure just let me open my world up to you before I can even get your last name . If your like me and have no filter and live somewhat care free then you know they are judging your snaps and would rather watch your life then to ask about it . Quite disturbing but hey we are 3 months away from 2020 so I just take it as if their interested?

We live in a time where you have to overthink what an emoji meant, for an example an old fuck buddy sent me smile emoji followed by a kissing emoji- How would you interrupt that ? Well I took it as oh he may have feelings for me and not just my vagina-Sike!

I hope I am not coming off as a man hater because that is only 74 % true and the other 26% I will let you decide what emotions are responsible to the remaining percentage.

Assuming has become the bang to excitement in dating, I have gotten to the point where after an hour or more of talking I will ask if your emotionally available or fuckable . I want to know my options and sure the hell don’t have time to be wasted.  People are selfish and have become even more so as time comes and goes.  I have been told my approach is a bit too much , but is it really? I am a full time student, work full time and single mother to an amazing  little boy who has autism- with what time I have available I don’t want to waste it on some jock. I had hope this would bring some respect to the game but I have found it to be intimidating. Time is something you can’t get back and we aren’t getting any younger, those filters can only preserve a picture not your inner image.

You have to be honest and blunt now days because you will get walked on if you don’t and it only adds to the emotional trauma as I had spoken earlier. You have to set boundaries with yourself and be realistic with what you will entertain and won’t.  You may stand out like a neon light but at least they know your about your shit. I like to give people the benefit of doubt that not everyone is the same but then again its always the same scenario, hence the term fuck boy.

I have tried dating websites in the past, obviously it failed and if I were to entertain that idea I think I will go for Christanmingle.com ( this is not a paid sponsor btw) – with hopes they will over look the f bomb’s that I may have dropped in the mist of this blog .  Too say the least I entertain the apps such as bumble and etc – I get on bumble with full intention of no expectations, other than to expect a dick picture or perhaps conversation to be lost after the ” Hey you ! “.

Take a look at my profile and you will see my profile is practically saying I’m here with no Fucks to give- As Ella Mai says ” You got 24 seconds and it starting right now”.

 

I have entertained all of each and every conversation- please see below for real conversations with Fuck boys at their finest:

 

You don’t want a relationship then cool speak this and if your just looking for FWB then speak this as well . This is why when I am asked what am I seeking- my response is are you emotionally available or fuckable ? I’ll break it down to you

Emotionally Available :  Able to identify emotions and use them properly ; I’d like to date; I am capable of letting my walls down; I want to know you more than just your private area

Fuckable : Sex, Sex, more sex ; reliable sex, loyal penis/vagina, no feelings other than physical touch ;did I mention sex ?

After my last relationship of 3 years, my mind set is I don’t want to lose myself as I did before and nor do I want to feel like the train wreck that lasted months – no I am not talking about the midnight train to Georgia- good song I have to admit.

Lesbehonest ……. Why must finding a reliable FWB be so hard in this generation? My role as a women you would think a man would jump right on it especially if they are emotionally available. Nope maybe in Australia since the term mate comes off as hey I just want to get in your pants! The past year I have set my expectations and laid them on the table just for the opposed sex to make things complicated . Since when do you have to chase the dick ? or act as if your interested in more than their stick – Did we forget that you stated that your not Emotionally available ? I am starting to think that is code for I need and want more than a physical relationship .

I know what your thinking.. and to answer that, yes I am capable of feeling emotion and would love to have again one day,  But right now I don’t have that much to offer in sense that would require me to give my undivided attention . I am not looking to play house – I want to build a home and a lifestyle that has a structured foundation. I have goals and ambition that would require more than time I seem to have available at this time.

I find it more attractive and brave for someone to lay out these expectations of themselves then to continue to sweep it under the rug because you caught a feeling. Us men and women need to be more aware of each other wants and needs – Respectfully! Just know that just because there are boundaries in this present moment does not mean later down the road that opportunity won’t fall on your lap. Until then have fun , live a little and have very much needed protected sex because studies do say it relieves stress and anxiety!

Last but never least Self Care is a must ! If your check engine light is on then you have no business entertaining anyone but yourself, I can not stress this enough. If it causes a reaction then your bothered, when you get to that moment where your able to view nor react to certain things in a way that does not cause any harm/ distraction to your vibe, your energy and mindset then that’s how you know you’ve grown – Your mature enough to keep your world afloat if you were to entertain NSA .

 

 

Elephant in The Room -Part 1

 

Rumor has it that we often destroy ourselves in order to find temporary relief, that old habits and patterns have been accepted on our behalf because for what we know its what helps us get through our day so we think. What we tend to overlook is that nothing really heals or gets better when not confronted. I often wondered what it would be like to finally take grasp of the life I have been living the past 4 years.

My mental health is often overlooked by others because on the outside all they see is a beautiful girl whom is well known, gets over a 100 likes on photos posted on social media, killer personality , great mother, and friend. However I’ve only allowed you to see my cover, the women that society seems to accept because long and behold no one wants to hear how you truly feel without judgement taking place because realitstitcly those who have never experienced a mental down fall don’t seem to know how to show empathy.

I was diagnosised with an anxiety disorder about 4 years ago, up until my first anxiety attack I never knew what “anxiety” was and soon found myself researching all that I could to prevent anything like the episode from happening again. I had brought fear in my life, a fear that I couldn’t seem to shake even with following googles advice on what causes anxiety. My first month since my first attack I had multiple attacks a day, I was put on anti depressants with hopes of it giving me my life back . The medication failed and I relapsed, I found myself unable to drive, unable to sleep, unable to work, unable to leave the house without the fear of anxiety wrapping its hands around my throat.

My anxiety was built on death, I had an unexpected death in my family that hit me hard but never did it cross my mind that it would cause an uproar with my mental health . I was losing myself faster than I could catch myself. I thought that if I could control it I would be able to live the way I had done before. I changed my routine, started working out, yoga , church, eating better, anything you could think of to put me on the right path back to healthy. For the most part it helped but the way I allowed my mind and the thoughts consume me, left me approaching life like there was no way out.

I had become a prisoner to myself , I allowed my mental health put a hold on the life I once desired to live.  It’s always been at arms reach but never close enough to make me believe that I could overcome this mental illness that has me sustained me.

Over the years I had been on countless medications and each failing me due to the side effects. I had become afraid to take the meds because it would take weeks to get back to what had felt normal . I decided to do everything in regards to my health holistic, I had built me life that consisted of  walls upon walls of do’s and don’ts – at the age of 22 that is the last thing you want but it was the way I got through my days.

Everyday I wake up thinking today is the day I am going to die, I just knew something was wrong with me health wise or least so I thought. I was your average young and healthy adult but my mind made me think otherwise. From numerous ER visits, doctor appointments , counseling and alternative medicine – I was convinced my health was overlooked but I was just making myself sick.  The body sensations that set in when my anxiety was flared up felt like a step away from death. Trembling fingers, heart racing, ears hot, the room zooming in and out, hearing loss, body numb from head to toe and chest tight enough that I was for sure I was having an heart attack. This was my life everyday numerous times throughout the day.

Up until the last 2 years I was finally hit with a real crisis that threw my mental health through the roof. It took a year of spinal taps and numerous specialist/ ER visits to get diagnosed . I was told I was going blind and was given two options to maintain my disease, medication had failed and a month later I would be having my first brain surgery following a second one 2 weeks later. I couldn’t help but think how I had spent the last 2 years thinking I was sick and how much time/ energy I wasted  due to the fact that my anxiety convinced me otherwise- this was my wake up call .

What a beautiful disaster I had become, the thought of losing my sight completely took a toll on me. I was a single mother working full time, full time student and not to mention a son with autism. I had to give up my apartment due to me being sick and financial reasoning. I was loosing my vison day by day, my Peripheral vison was completely gone by the time my 1st surgery approached. I feared not being able to watch my son grow up, feared the life he and I would have if I didn’t follow through with the surgery.  For a year I slept with a light on because I couldn’t tell the difference between the dark and my vision loss, it would put me in full panic mood when the sun would go down.

If you were to tell me that my life would be turned upside down again at such  a young age I honestly would’ve believed you because I was a hypochondriac . Still to this day if I am asked if I am ok or what is wrong- my anxiety automatically kicks in and makes me believe something is wrong and I think to myself what do they see that I haven’t caught on to. I really hate the way my mind thinks and the fact that I still struggle to cope with it.

After the surgeries as you would suspect, my anxiety got worse because now I had the fear of my stent in my brain clotting and killing me onset. Its been a year now since the surgery and my vison is still present . I have had episodes of passing out at work that led to numerous days at the hospital just to hear the doctors tell me nothing is wrong.

Anxiety has consumed my life the last 4 years and has caused depression on my end like no other. Its exhausting to wake up everyday to know that its gonna feel like the day before . I had gotten to the point where the desire to live wasn’t existing on my end. I have tried to cut out anything and everything in my life that could cause this feeling and honestly  nothing was lessening the pain I live with everyday trying to escape the fuckery in my head.  I have never wanted to be more present in my life until the day I entertained wrecking my car on purpose with hopes of being relived of how I feel, because honestly I was mentally drained of fighting myself.

I have been in counseling for the last  2 years aggressively trying to reclaim my life I once enjoyed. I have come a long way but never did it cross my mind to cause harm to myself.  The past few months I had slipped into a dark place, calling off of work , not eating, sleeping and honestly just down right letting myself go. I couldn’t sit still at dinner, feared going out into the public because there would always be scene replaying in my head that something bad was going to happen and thought of that happening while I had my son with me scared the shit out me. Nothing like setting a time limit to be in a store and if I forgot something oh well- I’ll come back another day .

About 2 months ago I had a nervous breakdown at work, probably one of my most embarrassing moment. I didn’t want to show the vulnerable me, the real me- the broken me that I have hid so well the past years. For what my manager and co workers knew was that I was this girl who did  nothing but provide entertainment for others meanwhile deep inside I was just trying to distract my mind and myself from another anxiety attack.

I knew I needed help but just didn’t know how to let my will and my pride of what others thought about me to actually be helped. At that moment I didn’t care because my life felt like it was being stolen from me so I made the decision to check myself into a clinic because I had officially hit rock bottom .

Don’t Be That Girl Who Can’t Let Go

In our wildest moments we still have trouble finding gratitude with life, ourselves , and those we choose to give our all to. One step at a time you find yourself  standing at the edge of the cliff and don’t even feel it , but the adrenal you feel is real- there’s no faking that.

Just about every sign you see directed towards love tells you to follow your heart, but what if following your heart led you down a path that had no turn around? Most scenarios have a way out but love, there’s never a signal telling you to turn back.  I always had found it to be a word with too much privilege. You dive face first without any warnings, the ending result can be a beautiful thing or can be devastating experience that makes you wish you knew how to un love just as fast it took you to fall.

I grew up watching those who I held close to me fall in love and do things that didn’t make sense. I know they say love makes you do crazy things but I wouldn’t understand that until I later allowed myself to be as vulnerable and willing to give all of  me to someone I found worthy. So until then I sat back watched relationships build and fail, I would always be the outcast when asked what would I do if I were to be in their shoes. Like most you tell them what they already know what they should do, but what I learned is the heart has a different saying when you’ve fallen too deep . I swore to myself I wouldn’t be like them and go against what made sense concerning the situation.

Call me fool because that’s exactly what I deserved to called, I was unaware of how one can be so blind and deceive themselves of their worth all because once day we decieded to unlock the door to our most inner innocence – our heart, mind, body and soul.  Talk about no turning back, that will do you in and you will find yourself questioning over and over why ?

I had fallen victim to this unbarring question we all ask when seeking answers because the one we loved had let us down. I loved  in a way I had been unable to before, the ones I had proclaimed to have loved in the past are now considered to be lust now that I know what it truly means to be in love with someone.

Little did I know that he would be the first to break me in places I thought were untouchable.He was perfect, loving, caring, accepting, understanding and most importantly he had became my person.

He blew all the other men out the yard and gave me life in so many ways. Every partnership has their faults and flaws so don’t think it was picture perfect like Ed Sherrans song projects- come on we can dream it, fantasize it and ATTEMPT to live it – but at the end of the day you can’t force someone to love you in the way you need to be loved, this will be your biggest mistake yet to learn from . I know your thinking not every man is the same, I agree 100% but what I had a hard time accepting was that not all people change just because your standing in the door way threatening to leave and if you think that will work than let me know how that plays out for you.

I kept visual of our love in a picture that didn’t seem to be turning back  straight, no matter how much I angled the nail it’d still be uneven. I could put 99% of effort into building a foundation we could stand on but I would still need that remaining 1% to trust that we could withstand anything that would fall onto us – believe me when it rained it poured .

For the past 1141 days I put myself on a Pedestal, begged for things no women in her right mind should ever have to ask for when in a relationship. I was in love with a narracist. Two wrongs in love because it didn’t matter what I did- I remained wrong, if I pointed the finger the other way then I always right and he was wrong. I spent 700 of those days breaking every promise I held to myself , put things on hold, not only jeopardized my health but my mental health as well. I did the one thing us women do without thought and it was putting him before myself.

Its easy to lose yourself in mist of  chasing the past. You forget that you once mattered and that you deserve the world just as you have been giving him- only difference was that the giving end got nothing in return . He was my drug, my tolerance was at its max, all expectations and boundaries that once stood firm vanished with my self worth .

Once I acknowledged that this was not love, but abuse I still found myself struggling to say goodbye. I stayed with hopes of change, my biggest regret could be that I thought if he loved me as much as he had pleaded , he’d change- he wouldn’t want to lose me. I mean look at me, I had become the women he needed and felt was acceptable not only for him but for his family, his friends, work place; His picture perfect life he envisioned to hold control over – that he did indeed.

There had been times where I needed him and he was no where to be found . My health took a down hill, and he was no where to be found when I needed him the most . Although there was a 3 hour drive between us, I would still walk through hell to be at his side because I was his person and he was supposed to be mine so  I had thought. You see peoples true colors when things go south, in my case I was going blind and required  2 brain surgeries to prevent this- I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was alone going through one of the hardest times in my life. I remained silent and took what I could from the relationship, with hopes of a distraction to keep me from losing my mind.

My health was an inconvenience to him, to hear him say ” I can’t help that your always sick ” or how  I was a hypochondriac due to my anxiety disorder. We fought more than ever that year because I was invincible to him, what I was going through didn’t impact his life. He went on as if everyday was a new day , I remember asking him would he still love me and be with me if I went blind- his response was that I wasn’t going blind and that because of my sons autism it would be tough decision . Nothing like a blow to the face, if that isn’t God speaking to you then you gotta be deaf. Instead of taking that as a sign I stored it in my hurt pile, what a fool right?

No one is worth your self worth, no love is greater than the love you have for yourself.  I thought for while I knew my worth, but no way in hell could I had known this while continuing to allow myself to go through what I thought was love. Once you find the difference between the two I pray that you find the strength to give yourself the will power to stand on your feet and keep patience in your back pocket.

Nothing more intoxicating than feeling  like damage goods, truth be told it doesn’t define you.  I reflect over the countless books I’ve read and videos watched, along with numerous memes I tried to use to help reconcile the pain and abuse I endured over the past years- it only made me feel weak . It was my hype for that moment, once faded I felt vulnerable and defeated because It was just another reminder that I had lost myself to a man whom thrieved on it.

I found myself longing for change, wasn’t sure what I was seeking other than peace. I feared not being able to fill the void that would appear days and weeks after leaving. In a world full of pain I’d rather embrace a bone snapping within then to feel my heart ripped into pieces,  I’ve blamed him for the pain I felt- to be fair I was equally to be blamed because I should’ve called it quits when I went against my gut feeling . Never allow a man to take that from you, its apart of your identity.

Some days you will feel will strong and other days will have you on your knees, but once you get to taking that first step it inches you closer to the next one . Regardless if you go back 1 or 2, your working towards healing and moving on- Once healed you won’t fear swimming in the deep end.

Just know that falling in love does not call for a Plan B, it calls for trust, honesty, most importantly respect.  This generation has created a version of love that requires approval from everyone but the two involved . How ironic right? Love shouldn’t be based on what can be seen only what can be felt within.

Letting go was never told that it would be easy and successful on the first few times, don’t get caught up in all the memes and opinions of others, because at the end of the day your the one dealing with this head on and feeling every inch of pain inflicted within. You know yourself better than anyone , just don’t allow that to continue drag you down the same path where you get the short end of the stick. People don’t love the way they should if anything Love now days has become Selfish with no real intentions but satisfying their needs before others without taking into consideration of what damage maybe done throughout the process. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but it doesn’t that mean you continue make excuses to stay.

Heal the wounds, allow them to be a reminder of what you don’t want when seeking Love. Find yourself in the mist of the misery you had lived up until now and give yourself credit for all the times you failed and got back up. As I said before No Love is GREATER than the Love you have for yourself. I am still finding my way to fight for self love, Its helping me understand the lover within in me and find the women beneath all the pain I have allowed to pile up over the past years. 

Find yourself and the rest will follow, only time can heal and show you that letting go was a blessing in disguise no matter how much you love that person.

Sometimes letting go means that your love has ran its course and the fact that you fought for what you believed was real should be a resting place to find peace with the situation.

  People don’t love as they did in the past , you cant deny a feeling but what you can do is be honest with yourself and learn from your mistakes and take it as a lesson learned.

 Self Love is the most important kind of love – Never forget that!

 

 

Love Bears all things, Believes all things, Hopes all things, Endures all things

1 Corinthians 13:7

Open Wounds

For the past few months I wished I could unlove you. Its nights like this that I find myself so angry with the time spent convincing myself that this was love, that every relationship has their ups and downs and ours was none different from the ones I scrolled through on my social media time line. The picture of us that I keep trying to force in picture frame has no where to hang, my vision board seems to be the only place it hangs straight .

A Letter To My Autistic Child

Dear Elijah,

The last 9 years that I have been blessed to be your mother, you have been my proudest moments . You have been the reason I wake up everyday ,the need to better myself, the reason I view things different. Most of all you are the reason I have faith even when it doesn’t seem to be an option.

Not a day goes by that I don’t find myself at night tracing the outline of your face, your little hands I press against my face wishing I could make time stand still.

I look back at the times I sobbed like a baby because some guy broke my heart, you were the first to comfort me . You would stop what your doing with that concerned look on that little face of yours and say ” what’s wrong ? You sad ? Ah… mommy’s crying ” . You would climb on my lap and pull me close as you rubbed my head telling me it’s okay. Everyday you caress my face and tell me how pretty I am, its amazing how you uplift me and make me the woman I am today-even on my worse days.

While kids were starting to make out words at the age of 2 , you would be silenced but full of conversation from the look in those brown eyes . I had always wondered would I ever be able to have a conversation with you son . It broke my heart not knowing would I ever hear the words “I love You” trail out your mouth .

One day the light bulb turned on and I got to hear you say it, now I get to hear it at least 30 times a day now – some would say it’s the autism because it’s repetitive trait that links with it, but I like to think different because you make sure you look me in the eye to let me know it’s real .

I know we had a rough start when you were diagnosed because I didn’t want to accept it. I didn’t want a label defining who you are or even who you would become . How dare society try limit your growth within this world I said to myself hours after we left the doctors office . It was a slap to my face someone telling me my child would never be normal and would have a challenging life awaiting him . Like every parent we want to give our children the life we never had, we want our children to win at life and somehow you were shorten of that I thought. All I could think about was the hard times to come instead of realizing that god had given me a blessing that I was too blind to see.

You and I butted heads during this time, it wasn’t until I accepted your Autism that we started seeing eye to eye . It wasn’t society that doubted and limited you – it was me . I was suppose to be your support and had failed you because I was in denial . Sorry could never be enough to express how I had let you down then . I had promised from that day on I’d be your voice , your wall , your rope , your anything you needed to get through this label . Given the privilege to learn a new way of life through you has done nothing but allow me to look at the bigger picture of life itself – Just wow, I couldn’t imagine the view you have in that creative head of yours.

Watching you grasp life by the juice box has been an honor. The gentleman within you is a joy to be around , the songs you sing with that precious voice of yours so mesmerizing.

To think the one person who should be angry and hold a grudge against life is the happiest one living it to the fullest . Your an inspiration, motivation , role model for us people who take life for granted and don’t take advantage of the abilities god blessed us with .

Like Dory says just keep swimming buddy, nothing in life can stop you unless you let it and I know the Eli in you won’t let that be the case unless it comes to you tying your shoes lol but even then you’ll still climb that rope shoes untied and all .

You have done nothing but make a difference in my life as well as others. You may not know it but you’ve already made a difference in this world . Your the puzzle piece this world has been missing when it comes to love, kindness and doing for others.

God knew I needed someone special in my life long term and whether I was prepared or not, he made sure that we always found a way to look in from the outside. I just want to say thank you for changing me at such a young age, I was a child raising a child- we grew up together and found our standing ground together.

I love you more than you could ever understand

Love,

Mommy

11 Years Ago – Part 2

 Cover me up, tell me not to wake until the sun comes up- said the inner me, but life didn’t quite work that way. I had learned to tell myself that things would be okay, fully knowing that wasn’t the case. I lay there awake, just staring at the wall replaying back every memory he had imprinted on me. Didn’t matter what door I closed in attempt to erase him, somehow he ended up knocking at the next. No door was strong enough to keep my past out, I’d finally came to terms to accept that he was gone for good and I would no longer have him in my life…. So I thought.

 Two weeks had passed since I had became the spotlight once again, this time my relationship with my mother was broken. The events that had taken place had caused my mother to have a mini stroke, not only had I broken up two homes, I was physically hurting the one person who gave me everything to walk this earth . I was sent to live with a mentor of mine, who had a positive influence in my life and had always been there for me. I called him grandpa Orr, he was my coach and counselor since the 4th grade. He and his wife were very disappointed in this event that had taken place in my life. His favorite saying to me ” I just want you to win kiddo”. He took me off my mother hands, I only visited my family on the weekends. It felt strange but this was much needed, I didn’t know how to get things back to “normal”- but then again what was normal?

   My life had resumed back to where it had left off- meaning the stares increased , the gossip got stronger and the questions poured in as if these kids were entitled to a life I hid for the last two years. I would find it funny how I would get approached in regards to people wanting the facts about my affair with Dustin , they felt entitled because we either attended the same school, same gym class, or we were friends – by friends I mean sociates because there was no such thing as friends when walking in my shoes. I could count on one hand my close friends and those I kept close.

  I say sociates because they didn’t care about what I was going through, they just wanted something to talk about, that they did. It had been maybe 3 weeks since Dustin was sent away, the newspaper was my worse enemy because of what was said and just another reminder that this was real and not a dream. I remember walking into the cafeteria for lunch,  it was like someone had it out to hurt me personally because every table had a newspaper just about and the front page displayed their version of what had taken place between Dustin and I . I caught glimpse of kids laughing and pointing in my direction as if I was a joke. There was no hiding at this point, I just immediately lost it, sobbing tears. A teacher came over and took me into the boys locker room and just held me, not much you can to someone when dealing with my situation.

Honestly no words needed to be exchanged because the hug alone was enough. I remember that day das if it happened yesterday, my coach didn’t start me that night because he thought mentally I wasn’t prepared and able to hold up my role on the team. I admit, it was hard stepping foot on that floor and playing in front of the community who all  knew who I was, not for my skills but for my actions that involved a local middle school gym teacher.

  I thought for sure that Dustin would no longer have a seat in my life, I was wrong because he had given me something I could love just as I had loved him- Our unborn child. My mother had suspected that I would end up pregnant due to no protection being used, with my luck I had doubted it. The thought of me still having a piece to hang on to Dustin disappeared until January 19, 2008. I had returned home from my basketball game with my mother holding a pregnancy test in her hand, she had asked whether my menstrual had came. I shook my head slow with fear because she had made it clear that if I had gotten pregnant as a teenager that my face wasn’t pregnant – she didn’t want me to follow her steps.

She stood in the bathroom as I peed on my future , I didn’t bother to look because just like my mother I was scared what the test would say. As we waited for the results I just starred off into space thinking this is stupid, there’s no way I could be pregnant, nothing has ever worked in my favor when it came to wanting things with Dustin. Especially when my mother took me to the local hospital with hopes of a blood test of being done to determine whether or not I was pregnant, instead I was given a cup to piss in and told that I wasn’t pregnant.

What felt like hours ended up being 3 minutes, the look upon my mom’s face was priceless- she handed me the test and walked away. There it was, two dark pink lines indicating I was with child. I was full of joy and excitement- thinking how could this be?

My mother had left and didn’t return until hours later, she needed to drink this day away. I didn’t blame her,  I couldn’t imagine the thoughts circling her mind- how? why? Just the overall fact that I was pregnant by a man who she hated with a hate that could never be defined. She felt the system had failed her, if they would’ve just locked him up the first time, we wouldn’t be in this situation – she later stated.

Since I was pregnant, my mother wanted me to move back home after a month of finding out. I wasn’t too fond of moving back because our relationship with one another was still broken and this time I wasn’t sure how to fix it. Maybe the both of us were just hoping that me being pregnant would be the closure needed to fill that void.

I quit playing basketball due to my new status, my life became boring. All I did was attend school, doctor appointments and sleep. Occasionally I got to go to the girls game. It was a real reality check for myself and a preview to how my life might be once my child would be born.  I didn’t regret keeping the baby, it honestly helped me get through what I was dealing with mentally and emotionally – it was therapy .  I knew that anything before no longer matter, I would soon be accountable for a little one,  whatever I was going through inside would need to be put in the closet because I couldn’t allow that affect myself, my parenting and most of all this innocent child who deserved a chance at a ” normal life” as normal as I could give without mine and Dustin’s past following.

For the most part I was very fortunate to have a easy pregnancy.  My mother had informed Dustin’s family as well as Dustin of my pregnancy. We never heard back from either, which wasn’t a shocker. I’m sure Dustin had caused enough humiliation on his families end and the fact that a child was coming out of this just made things worse. The thought of having to co-parent with his 16 year old victim was the last thing on their mind.

What was an shocker is how a mutual friend from the family reached out to me through my facebook. This individual wasn’t fond of the news and took matters into their own hands in regards to trying to talk me into having abortion, she stated I wasn’t fit to be a mother and I would loose the best years of my life just to have a child who would never be accepted from Dustins family. She claimed how Dustin was denying the baby to his family and to his wife. I didn’t care what she had to say, because any women who reaches out to underage minor with this information with hopes I would entertain it and abort my child or any child is sick in the head.

The only entertainment she received was a response from my mother and it was not pretty . I couldn’t believe the news I was given, the fact that the man who proclaimed his love to me in front of my mother was denying my child- our child.  I couldn’t help but to feel so much anger towards him, he had already lost his freedom, his family’s support as well as the community – Why deny everything now? I was hurt and didn’t understand why he would try to make a fool of me. I had stuck by his side and stood up for him just for this to be the result of it?  I decided from that moment on that he would never make me look like a fool again.

My focus was my child, my education and making a name for myself other than the girl who got pregnant by her gym teacher.

By now I was 6 months pregnant, September 21, 2008 was my set due date- I would give birth to a beautiful baby boy- Elijah Lee Senqu’e. I couldn’t wait to meet him, just wanted to fast forward time.

I had given birth to my son September 24, 2008 at 9:06 am- He weighed 8 lbs 8oz, 21 1/2 inches long. The moment I laid eyes on him I knew my life would never be the same. I was given a new purpose to live and it wasn’t for man, it was for my son.

11 Years Ago

Nothing like feeling trapped, suffocated, and mentally exhausted. I was only 15 years old and felt like I was in a mid life crisis. I had isolated myself from the outside and found closure in my room with my piano. I had taught myself how to play that summer, it had became my therapy. Things between my mother and I had been off, wasn’t quite sure how to get my relationship back with her, after all I blamed her and at that time what I thought was hate I used towards her.  She was the reason I could no longer have contact with Dustin.

He had been placed on administrative paid leave until his court date in September, that is when the charges would be filed and jail time would be entertained.  I can’t tell you how many times that summer I called his phone countless times every chance I was around a phone without my mothers supervision. It would either go to voicemail or he would pick up and tell me to stop calling him. At that time I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t acknowledge me, but after awhile I got the memo especially when he had changed his number. I didn’t have to many options that summer, it was either go participate in sports, stay home, or go to my moms friends which after some time got old. I didn’t want to watch others laugh and have a good time, it was painful.  I was experiencing so many feelings during this period, sometimes it became overwhelming.

After awhile I started to feel used and stupid, I mean after all he told everyone I was lying and made things up. Some reason I never gave up, I had written a letter and made a mix cd of songs that helped me get through this time. A friend of mine lived around the corner from his house, a group of us girls walked to his house at late hours and placed it on his car. I wasn’t sure if he got it but at least I had tried.

I dreaded August because that meant school would resume and so would the stares and bullying, but most importantly Dustin’s sentencing. When the day had made it’s appearance, I called my mother to see what the results were. She had said the judge had given him 5 years of probation and that he lost his teaching license. He was to have no contact with me or my family. I screamed with joy and the next thing I heard was a dial tone, my mother had hung up on me. I was not sympathetic towards her, she wanted him to go to prison, instead he had his freedom but only as a Registered Sex Offender.

The next two months flew by and it killed me knowing that he was still within distance and we weren’t allowed to be around each other. One night a friend and I had spotted his car at his old house, I placed a note with her number on it, thinking to myself this would be a disappointment just like last time. I was wrong, he texted her phone around 1 am. My stomach had dropped, I didn’t know what to say because after all I thought it would fail. We talked for hours about everything you could think of, what the both of us had been going through since last June. I couldn’t help but to think that ” man, he really loves me”, I say that because he was risking his freedom for a conversation that could easily be traced if needed.

It wasn’t long before we agreed to meet up, I was beyond scared. I wasn’t sure if it was more so getting caught again or the fact that there was enough time between us to create distance with our feelings towards each other.  I recall going to my bestfriends house 30 minutes before us meeting up, I was balling my eyes out. I was overwhelmed and scared, maybe this was a mistake?

He had picked me up, we drove to a abandoned area and just talked. It felt weird, because he did not look the same and seemed to have a piece of him missing. Although looks and first impressions come a long way, I didn’t care because I knew that the man I loved was still in there. He had to leave , but insisted on seeing me again. We shared a kiss as saying our goodbyes, I knew at that very moment that this wouldn’t be the last time that I would see him.

For the next couple weeks  we shared endless conversations with each other through a site that offered texting on my end . He would call my mothers phone restricted and we would talk then, I had finally gotten my own cell phone. Our relationship felt like someone pushed the rewind button, I would tell my mother that I was going to the boys basketball game at the high school and of course she didn’t think much of it and allowed me to go. I would end up with Dustin at his old house that he still had ownership. His house became our spot, it had only a few things in there- empty for the most part though.

We had been reunited for a month now, Christmas was approaching and the talk of us sharing a life together was the highlight of our time spent together. I found myself loving him deeper than before, the thought of losing him again cringed my heart. I had not given him everything that I could and that was myself . I decided he was worthy of taking of my virginity, he had always been respectful towards my decision of wanting to wait until I was ready. Two years later I felt I was ready, the whole time we were separated I had always had the thought of what it would be like to share that moment with him. I felt more connected with him than before, it was a feeling I didn’t want to live without.  

The last two weeks of December made me and broke me. It was a cold winter day, first week of January, I had a basketball game that night. I remember having my music blasting, starring out the bus window waiting for the rest of the team to load the bus when I saw a car pull into the school parking lot and a woman jumped out the car as if she were ready to explode- that person was my mother. I knew from the look of her face that she knew I was seeing Dustin again, to save myself the embarrassment I grabbed my belongings and hurried off the bus. My mother had snatched me up out of anger  screaming ” How could you ?! You little bitch !” She had pushed me into the car, slamming the door in my face.  Everyone on the bus were watching as if it was a movie, my coaches had approached her questioning what’s going on- my mother told them to ” Mind their fucking business and that I wouldn’t be attending the game nor returning to the team”. Talk about humiliated, I thought last summer was bad when she found out about us – well this time was worse.

The whole car ride home, I tried texting Dustin to let him know the news- he never returned my texts. We pulled in the drive way, as I got out the car – I was impacted with a full on bitch slap to the face from my mother. I feared entering the house from that moment on, She was pissed and honestly that doesn’t even describe her overall reaction to what she had been informed.  She had received a call from the detective stating that they needed for us to come in for questioning and DNA.  I felt like I did as before, empty and not wanting to face reality because I knew for sure shit was about to get real . We arrived to the police station, office full of police officers and detectives starring me down as I walked in.  I was informed that someone had contacted children services and let them know that Dustin and I were seeing each other again and that we were meeting up at his old residence.  I just sat there stunned, I didn’t know what to think, once again my happy ending I had wanted had vanished. I was told that they needed to swab my mouth for DNA to see if I was a match for the DNA that was found in Dustin’s home. I refused to do so, then I was threatened by my mother and the detectives that if I didn’t comply I would be charged and placed in their care for not complying.

I was in shock , I couldn’t process what was happening . Before I know it they were shoving a q-tip in my mouth and moved me to a room with 2 detectives.  They gave me the same talk as they had done before, the only difference I didn’t talk this time. I seen what happened last time and the things that were released by the news journal into the community. I was already the topic of the town- why make it worse?

The detectives had stated that Dustin was unavailable and was considered to be on the run. My mother refused to let that be the only information they had in regards to his whereabouts – we had left the office only to go on a man hunt with the rest of Richland county.  My mother was on a mission to find him before they did and she made it clear that she would make sure he would never forget what he did. We were in the car for an hour or so, the whole time I was called names and worse things you could imagine being called by your mother, I just sat in silence. I deserved what was being said and what would come out of this, I had betrayed my mother again. The police had called my mother to tell her to go home and to stop looking for him. We returned home only for myself to be dropped off at the door and she took off.

I was told that I would no longer attend school and no more sports, I would be home schooled and have limited access to any outside activities. I can’t remember how many times I was called a whore that day. My life was upside down again and this time I wasn’t sure how to react, I just sat in silence and cried. Something about the four walls of my room, brought a familiar feeling but only this time it felt lonely and closed in. Before it felt safe and gave hope. 

The next morning we were informed that Dustin turned himself in around 4 AM,  he had pleaded guilty. The judge had shown him mercy the first time and made it clear that if  he messed this up to pack  his toothbrush because that’s all he would be needing.  His court hearing was later that week, my mother attended and made sure that her voice was heard-  Dustin was sent to prison following the hearing for probation violation- 5 years he would have to serve. My mother had shared with the detectives that Dustin and I had sex, no further details were given. Dustin would be later charged with more years pending due to that taking place.

I felt out of place with myself and life itself, it was like I had died . I didn’t know how to live with this let alone face the community again. I didn’t want to exist but later that month I was given a reason to exist.

TO BE CONTINUED…..

 

 

 

Code Blue

 

Its no secret, we live in a world where we allow certain things to take control of our lives whether its drugs, alcohol,  significant other, family and friends.  Lately its been drugs, one drug that stands out like none other- Herion. It loves to take our loved ones away, I don’t know what feeling is worse watching them give their life away or standing at their casket side knowing this is the last time you’ll get to have them in your presence.

 Wish there was a  reverse to this, Narcan had been that for awhile until hours later the reality check was gone and the need for the next fix is back like it never left. Its like death is on speed dial when addicted to this nonsense, right along with 911 and your loved ones.

 Wasn’t until last week I’m sitting at work and I hear CODE BLUE come over the intercom, help was needed in the ER for all hands on deck if needing to rotate for CPR. The adrenal that flows at that very moment is unexplainable- Watching all the nurses drop what they are doing and snapping into save a life mode is priceless. Its quite sad that our local hospitals “Code Blue” are for the addicts who are overdosing and dying faster than the sick . I sat there with endless thoughts that distracted me from moving forward with my work. I  guess its harder to understand someone’s addiction if your not in their shoes, kind of made me wish I was so I could find a way to solve the reoccurring problem that makes them think that risking their life for a hour of escaping is worth more than what they have to offer them selves, their kids, family, and maybe even the world.

 What if you could’ve made a difference? If you just put the needle down that could be you.. You just got to believe it and know that God has a plan for you, just because it doesn’t happen over night doesn’t mean your not entitled or you’ve been forgotten -just means you got to be patient and work hard for what God has waiting for you at the end of the road, not a tombstone that makes your presence only pictures and memories for us to revisit.

 As I was driving the other night, I had debated about writing about this because I couldn’t relate, I get on social media everyday and scroll past people putting “FLY HIGH”, “Gone to Soon”, “RIP” to the people they have lost to Herion. I had been very fortunate to not have to express that or endure that pain as many of you have felt. Wasn’t until the other morning I woke up to the worse news possible – my timeline filled with a friend I had went to school with since middle school- all the way up to high school. We had went to the 8th grade social together- he was good friend, we haven’t spoke to each other in years but still followed each other on social media. He had lost his life to this drug, I kept thinking ” He didn’t look like he did drugs”, ” Didn’t portray that image that everyone has when involved with drugs”.  I was looking in with the wrong assumptions, analyzing the situation from my personal opinion.  Some questions and assumptions are better left unknown, because sometimes the truth hurts more than what is being displayed within your visual field.

 Just sad to know there could’ve been something done and maybe even prevented another from being taken from us. I hate hearing people claim its a disease being addicted to heroin, You don’t get to choose to have a disease, people are born and diagnosed with these every day. Those that are, are fully aware of intaking and doing certain things can be the cause disease’s such as cancer-smoking, drinking- liver, kidney etc. We have to stop watching from the side line and quit making excuse’s for those in need of help that think that its acceptable – we just keep making it easier for them. When will we start making it their problem rather then ours- nothing wrong with helping, guiding, mentoring, and providing support to fall back on . Its a problem not a disease, problems are able to be solved- while some diseases are not . Quit mistaking something for what its not, covering up the problem only prolongs the recovery.

 At the end of the day there’s nothing more precious than saving a life and giving them a reason to want to fight for something so valuable – Themselves . Everybody wants a rewind button, but nobody wants to deal head on with the problems that continue to cause the urge to go back and not change what has placed them in these repetitive situations.

Mistakes are meant to be learned from not embraced, owning it and fixing it are the true answer to self acceptance and wholeness. There’s plenty of ways to escape from life, if that’s what your seeking when your need for a fix comes staggering in.  Although its fun in the beginning and the high is nothing like you’ve experienced, just know those feelings go away and what had been fun will no longer take place. What had been a temporarily find, will soon be the reason you can’t get through life. I came across a friend of mines social media and she wrote:

 ” Your past doesn’t define you. Not from a year ago or a month ago, all that matters is that you learned from it. It’s important to only allow people in your life who get to know you now in the present day, that accepts the past, the flaws and sees where you are going and who YOU are becoming .” – Falynn Hunter

Help Line Nationwide: 

800-784-6776

888-339-7630

Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me

The famous quote from Grey’s Anatomy ” Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me”, had always been my go to scene when placed in situations that made me feel Like Meredith as she begged Derek to choose her. I find myself always going back to that scene when it comes to the men I’ve allowed to break my heart, it always came down to that line. I never got to cross it- Just a constant reminder of that feeling when a unwanted chapter is closing.

Over the past years I had fallen in love with men who I felt entitled to, men who couldn’t give me what I wanted even if the situation were to be different. All four of those men in the last 7 years had shifted the way I have gone about dating when seeking forever so they say.

 When involved in those relationships, I entered them with the wrong mind set. I say that because of my son’s Autism, I had automatically assumed that because they loved me or wanted me they would accept my son’s disability. I drowned out the reality of that because if I was enough I wouldn’t have to fix their doubts in regards to my baggage so I’ve been told, because with me came my son and he didn’t come alone- He included a life time disease that could either lessen as time goes on or get harder. The unknown should be the title- but who’s focusing on names here?

  I went about this the wrong way, here I stood in love at different times in my life where my son had never been the issue or reason the relationship had ended, it was because they were either married, never committed, self-absorbed- naturally they never entertained the thought of me and my son in their lives long term, only what I had to offer them whether it was an escape for them or something to entertain until something better came along. I was the bystander watching these women get what I dreamed of it.

 It wasn’t until my past relationship that my son had been the reason why my relationship wasn’t moving forward – that’s with putting my wrong doings to side. It wasn’t my son, It was his Autism that became the main attraction when entertaining “The Talk” of our future together. Never had this been a problem because the guys before had not wanted these things with me, but this one did. The bond and love he had with my child was one that any mother would want to replace the absent fathers role, so when this was brought to my attention I was thrown a bit off because everything felt right until it was expressed that he was unsure of wanting to have the responsibility of caring for my son long term because there’s no guarantee of him living independently on his own.
This had become my worse nightmare, the man I loved had been having these doubts for what seemed like out of nowhere, had been for months now. It was then that I had realized I fucked up, this whole time I assumed that his autism wouldn’t be a big deal because if you’re in love with someone and want to spend your life with that person, things would work itself out and it would be accepted because you were aware that this was part of the package. I had been so absorbed in my needs and wants that everything was directed to me and not us.

 Us as in Me and my son Elijah, it took me back to that quote from Greys- I should’ve had the mind set of “Pick Us, Choose Us, Love Us”- because the word us comes into play when dating a single mother whose child has some health issues that could cause an halt to things.

 Found myself jealous, honestly just flat out bitter because I know what I have to offer someone when seeking a companion, I know my worth as well as my sons. Only problem that keeps reoccurring is where is that individual that will value that?

 I’ve been aware of the challenges of raising a disabled child, didn’t know finding someone to love us would be harder. If there’s one thing I have learned through these experiences is that there shouldn’t be a need to convince them to stick around, let alone any test trials. Your either all in or your out- What’s life if your not willing to take risks?

 Love is not what you can do for others, love is what can hold you together when everything else is drawing you apart. I have learned so much about this four lettered word, who knew something so small could express so many feelings in one setting.

  My son has taught me that kind of love that you can only learn to appreciate, can’t be bought nor given but earned.  When earning something with so much value such as that, it makes it hard to entertain anything else that shows the opposite . It takes a strong and open minded person to want to share a life with someone who has this long term commitment with their child , but if your looking in closed minded you will never see the beautiful side of it.

 

Photo Credit : L.A. Photography