Rumor has it that we often destroy ourselves in order to find temporary relief, that old habits and patterns have been accepted on our behalf because for what we know its what helps us get through our day so we think. What we tend to overlook is that nothing really heals or gets better when not confronted. I often wondered what it would be like to finally take grasp of the life I have been living the past 4 years.
My mental health is often overlooked by others because on the outside all they see is a beautiful girl whom is well known, gets over a 100 likes on photos posted on social media, killer personality , great mother, and friend. However I’ve only allowed you to see my cover, the women that society seems to accept because long and behold no one wants to hear how you truly feel without judgement taking place because realitstitcly those who have never experienced a mental down fall don’t seem to know how to show empathy.
I was diagnosised with an anxiety disorder about 4 years ago, up until my first anxiety attack I never knew what “anxiety” was and soon found myself researching all that I could to prevent anything like the episode from happening again. I had brought fear in my life, a fear that I couldn’t seem to shake even with following googles advice on what causes anxiety. My first month since my first attack I had multiple attacks a day, I was put on anti depressants with hopes of it giving me my life back . The medication failed and I relapsed, I found myself unable to drive, unable to sleep, unable to work, unable to leave the house without the fear of anxiety wrapping its hands around my throat.
My anxiety was built on death, I had an unexpected death in my family that hit me hard but never did it cross my mind that it would cause an uproar with my mental health . I was losing myself faster than I could catch myself. I thought that if I could control it I would be able to live the way I had done before. I changed my routine, started working out, yoga , church, eating better, anything you could think of to put me on the right path back to healthy. For the most part it helped but the way I allowed my mind and the thoughts consume me, left me approaching life like there was no way out.
I had become a prisoner to myself , I allowed my mental health put a hold on the life I once desired to live. It’s always been at arms reach but never close enough to make me believe that I could overcome this mental illness that has me sustained me.
Over the years I had been on countless medications and each failing me due to the side effects. I had become afraid to take the meds because it would take weeks to get back to what had felt normal . I decided to do everything in regards to my health holistic, I had built me life that consisted of walls upon walls of do’s and don’ts – at the age of 22 that is the last thing you want but it was the way I got through my days.
Everyday I wake up thinking today is the day I am going to die, I just knew something was wrong with me health wise or least so I thought. I was your average young and healthy adult but my mind made me think otherwise. From numerous ER visits, doctor appointments , counseling and alternative medicine – I was convinced my health was overlooked but I was just making myself sick. The body sensations that set in when my anxiety was flared up felt like a step away from death. Trembling fingers, heart racing, ears hot, the room zooming in and out, hearing loss, body numb from head to toe and chest tight enough that I was for sure I was having an heart attack. This was my life everyday numerous times throughout the day.
Up until the last 2 years I was finally hit with a real crisis that threw my mental health through the roof. It took a year of spinal taps and numerous specialist/ ER visits to get diagnosed . I was told I was going blind and was given two options to maintain my disease, medication had failed and a month later I would be having my first brain surgery following a second one 2 weeks later. I couldn’t help but think how I had spent the last 2 years thinking I was sick and how much time/ energy I wasted due to the fact that my anxiety convinced me otherwise- this was my wake up call .
What a beautiful disaster I had become, the thought of losing my sight completely took a toll on me. I was a single mother working full time, full time student and not to mention a son with autism. I had to give up my apartment due to me being sick and financial reasoning. I was loosing my vison day by day, my Peripheral vison was completely gone by the time my 1st surgery approached. I feared not being able to watch my son grow up, feared the life he and I would have if I didn’t follow through with the surgery. For a year I slept with a light on because I couldn’t tell the difference between the dark and my vision loss, it would put me in full panic mood when the sun would go down.
If you were to tell me that my life would be turned upside down again at such a young age I honestly would’ve believed you because I was a hypochondriac . Still to this day if I am asked if I am ok or what is wrong- my anxiety automatically kicks in and makes me believe something is wrong and I think to myself what do they see that I haven’t caught on to. I really hate the way my mind thinks and the fact that I still struggle to cope with it.
After the surgeries as you would suspect, my anxiety got worse because now I had the fear of my stent in my brain clotting and killing me onset. Its been a year now since the surgery and my vison is still present . I have had episodes of passing out at work that led to numerous days at the hospital just to hear the doctors tell me nothing is wrong.
Anxiety has consumed my life the last 4 years and has caused depression on my end like no other. Its exhausting to wake up everyday to know that its gonna feel like the day before . I had gotten to the point where the desire to live wasn’t existing on my end. I have tried to cut out anything and everything in my life that could cause this feeling and honestly nothing was lessening the pain I live with everyday trying to escape the fuckery in my head. I have never wanted to be more present in my life until the day I entertained wrecking my car on purpose with hopes of being relived of how I feel, because honestly I was mentally drained of fighting myself.
I have been in counseling for the last 2 years aggressively trying to reclaim my life I once enjoyed. I have come a long way but never did it cross my mind to cause harm to myself. The past few months I had slipped into a dark place, calling off of work , not eating, sleeping and honestly just down right letting myself go. I couldn’t sit still at dinner, feared going out into the public because there would always be scene replaying in my head that something bad was going to happen and thought of that happening while I had my son with me scared the shit out me. Nothing like setting a time limit to be in a store and if I forgot something oh well- I’ll come back another day .
About 2 months ago I had a nervous breakdown at work, probably one of my most embarrassing moment. I didn’t want to show the vulnerable me, the real me- the broken me that I have hid so well the past years. For what my manager and co workers knew was that I was this girl who did nothing but provide entertainment for others meanwhile deep inside I was just trying to distract my mind and myself from another anxiety attack.
I knew I needed help but just didn’t know how to let my will and my pride of what others thought about me to actually be helped. At that moment I didn’t care because my life felt like it was being stolen from me so I made the decision to check myself into a clinic because I had officially hit rock bottom .
Cee+Ya+Lata Til Next Time 