You never know what reality feels like until it literally slaps you in the face. I always had thoughts cross my mind about how it would be if we got caught. Each scenario played out differently, truth be told I honestly thought the relationship would end on its own .
Its funny right when I was at my weakest point, you popped up like nothing had happened as if you didn’t disappear for a couple weeks. I recall moments after me breaking down in front of mother, you show up 30 minutes later. Outside my house my mother watched as we held conversation for about 15 minutes. What we thought was back on track was soon to be missing tracks- For it was too late…
I woke up the next few days as if my life was back to normal, we had resumed where we left off so what worries would I have? As these thoughts troll as I sit in class, I get a note from the office stating that I’m leaving school early and to gather my things. I was caught off guard and wasn’t sure why I was leaving school and who was picking me up. I walked to the office to find my mother standing there lost in shock as if something had happened. I ask her if everything is ok? She nods and states that we need to leave, I ask if I have a appointment somewhere that I didn’t know of and she says no. I knew something was off and that feeling I got in my stomach will be one I could never forget.
We are driving in the car in pure silence, I could tell something was up by the time I was going to ask what is wrong again.. My mother came out of nowhere stating ” What’s been going on with you and Mr. Powers?” My heart dropped, instant sickness with cloudy thoughts. As I type this I can feel that overwhelming feeling as I did 10 years ago. I remember what car we drove, what street we were on, the weather and the background sound as if it was just yesterday.
I had been lying to my mother for the last 2 years, so why would this time be any different? I replied to her and said nothing, what are you talking about? She goes to say that ” She found my journal”. By now I’m speechless and the only thing crossing my mind is I gotta get away and let him know, but that was no option. My mom is driving , at this point I had no clue where we were going, she ends up pulling into a park that not many people go to because its often forgotten about. We go and sit on a bench, she then asks ” Are you fucking Mr. Powers?” I continue to deny everything that she has asked. I didn’t believe that she had found my journal and if there was any chance she had made it up to try to get any information out I would deny it. I was wrong because she stated that she found a page in it saying ” I’m in love with a married man”, by then I knew she knew.
I couldn’t help but to ball my eyes out, I knew there was no turning back. My world had finally hit rock bottom, felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I was numb, all my life I had been looking for an escape. I loved a man who was out of my reach and in the eyes of others they could never understand . I didn’t feel the need to explain what I had been hiding for the last 2 years, what was the purpose? We had already became a label without telling our story and because it was wrong we didn’t get the chance to justify it.
My mother had called him and left a voice mail stating that she needed to talk to him about my rare behavior that she had noticed and wanted to see if he had any advice. We sat at the park for hours as I began to spill out what had been my life . I watched my mother cry her eyes out as my timeline revealed itself, I couldn’t process the hurt she had felt and still to this day still hold. She felt like a failure, her little girl sneaking around with a man she trusted, a man who she thought was in my life for good reasoning. Never did she think that it would be the opposite . I explained to her that I was in love with him and that he was in love with me. She couldn’t help but to shake her head and cry out as if this didn’t exist and just scream ” Why God?, Why?” She blamed herself.
Though light was in the air… I wasn’t able to see clear. My eyes swollen as if I cried all night, my heart pounding as if I were being chased, my body not knowing how to exist and its only been a few hours since I had been exposed. I think my mother could relate, we both were in pain, denial and just drew blanks. After telling her everything, we just sat in silence.
He had returned her call, they made plans to meet up in a few hours in the same exact place. She was going to confront him, she wanted to hear his side, she wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt her. I could see it in her eyes, I feared for his life because I grew up seeing the things my mother has been through and how she reacts.
My mother took me home and told her then boyfriend that I was to go nowhere and to sit in my room . He had no clue what was going on, just like that she left. I didn’t want to exist , didn’t want to know what it felt like to not have him in my life – I couldn’t imagine what was to follow after this day .
Out of rage and pain, I flew down the steps and went into the kitchen and grabbed the first knife I could find, I wanted to slit my wrist, I wanted to end my life because I couldn’t deal with what was going on. I felt like I was trapped, felt like I had been taken back to the day where I was kept against my well in that small bathroom where my molester dug his nails into the back of my neck forcing me to do things no little girl should have to do. I felt like I couldn’t breathe just as I did in that very moment, I had made up my mind that I no longer wanted to feel any of this pain.
I dug into my wrist only for my moms boyfriend to come running in snatching it out of my hand- screaming at me . I remember shoving him and trying to hit him- he didn’t understand what was going on- he just wrapped his arms around me and held me. he calmed me down- I sat in silence waiting for my mother to return.
She had been gone for 2 hours, when she came back all she said was “you guys are sick”. I asked her what did he say… she turned around and said ” He loves you, he sat in front of me and told me – Cindy I’m in love with your daughter”. I asked her if I could say goodbye to him because I knew I would never see him again and wasn’t quite sure what she planed to do. As she walks away she goes to tell me that we are leaving in a hour to meet up with him at the park .
To Be Continued…
“I let my hair down, I run my finger through the cracks of my skin as if they were a bandage to make me forget”
Cee+Ya+Lata Til Next Time 