Going into my freshmen year was unreal, I’ve never felt so overwhelmed with life. I played a lot of sports that required a lot of my time. Once one ended another would start up, between juggling sports and school- I had my relationship that felt like it was in the water. Transitioning from seeing each other every day to only seeing him on the weekends. He and his wife had another child toward the end of my 8th grade year, so his time was consumed.
What do you do when spending time together is put on hold? You get close with the wife- in my case attempt .His wife wasn’t fond of me after hearing a voicemail I had left on his phone, she approached him with endless questions as to why I was leaving messages on his phone claiming I loved him- somehow he got out of that one. She didn’t think much of her husband hanging out with one of his past students especially after telling her some made up story regarding my voicemails.
I didn’t care if I only got to see him for 20 minutes – it was worth it. I used to ride my bike over to his house, we would hang out until it was almost time for her to get off work. When holidays approached we used it to our advantage, with my mom at work – his wife at work.. Guess who had free time? I really enjoyed those days – felt like our relationship was like others, only difference was the age.
We had our own meet up spot, how we never got caught there was a shocker. Our local hospital that was down the street from my house was where we would meet. Sometimes we wouldn’t even leave the parking lot, what felt like hours was only a 2 hour visit. During football season I would tell my mom I was going to the boys game when really I’d be out in the country going for long car rides.
You never know how much your into someone until you find yourself willing to risk everything just for one more time. Its like a drug that keeps you fueled, once sober you get a taste of the world that would never understand and accept you. In their eyes our relationship was unacceptable, in our eyes we were two individuals who fell in love through conversation. Most people view our relationship as me getting taken advantage of and sex being the spotlight of it. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 15, almost 2 years into our relationship that I had gone without giving that part of me up- I didn’t have to.
I had fallen in love through his conversation, his needs and desires that he looked forward to achieving. There’s something about falling in love with somebody’s mind , personality, body and soul – its another level you can only wish to experience. Now days your lucky to earn that, most are just wanting to dive right in after observing each others social media or a couple lovey dovey texts exchanged. You think that image is who they are, when really its just a cover to their story. While your trying to skip to chapter 10, he’s already cutting the pages short because you thought expressing yourself sexually would earn something on his end- Sorry sweetie you just earned a dirty twat with regrets because he’s not conversing like he did before you let him hit.
Okay I got side tracked……Opps but seriously am I wrong?
Anyhow, our relationship struggled once I hit high school. Like most women you get emotional when you feel neglected and not wanted. It was hard to hide what was my life, If I showed to much emotion without a known trigger my mother would catch on. My outlet was my journal, I documented everything….I mean EVERYTHING. I also wrote a lot of poetry- I kept each book on my headboard. Now thinking back that was stupid, especially since that’s how my mother found out about us. If only she would’ve picked it up sooner than when she did- she’d probably have less guilt and not be so hard on herself for letting something like this slip under her nose.
He and I had played my mother, had her convinced that he was like a father figure to me. With my father not present in my life at the time, I think she wanted to fill that void I had when seeking that kind of love. She found my writing as a therapy, just as she did when she was younger. My mom respected my privacy for the most part – I wasn’t the problem child.
Journaling and poems were my release, like I stated before the only person who knew about us was my best friend from 6th grade. She’s was my only outlet beside writing, without her I’d probably would’ve lost my mind. From 13 to almost 16 she kept my secrete, I couldn’t ask for a better friend.
It wasn’t until the end of my freshman year would my life take a turn. I felt like we were in a phase, less communication, less visits- our relationship was falling apart because honestly it wasn’t realistic. I remember him coming to one of my track meets, it was odd. Something felt off as if there was a change in the atmosphere. He and my mother would talk while watching me do my event. My mother sensed something was off with he and I. I remember her telling me she didn’t like the way he watched me .
I didn’t talk to him for 2 weeks after that because he stopped returning my calls. I left numerous voicemails, I would have my mom take the same way home from the store because he lived in the direction as we did. I wanted to see if you home, couldn’t comprehend why you were ignoring me. I couldn’t process the hurt and pain I felt for those 2 weeks. I was good at hiding my feelings but this time I couldn’t, I was living a lie. So much on my plate at that age, I was good at pretending . While most teenagers problems were getting accepted on the varsity squad or getting asked to homecoming- I was over here living a second life that was silently tearing me apart.
With 2 weeks left of my 9th grade year, my behavior had changed and my mom was catching on. One day after coming home from school, my mother was in the kitchen cooking- I engaged in a conversation with her. One minute I’m laughing and the next I’m in full tears. How could I vent to my mom that at the age of 15 my 36 year old boyfriend has been ignoring my calls and that I feared our relationship was done.
The moment I let my weakness show, my mother knew there was something wrong and that things didn’t add up to my odd outburst, a mother’s instinct is always right. What she found a couple days later would forever change our lives..
TO BE CONTINUED….
Cee+Ya+Lata Til Next Time 