Final Break Up

 

   I woke up not knowing that today would be the last time I’d talk to you, unwilling accepting the decision that has placed us separate pages. I didn’t think much of it until the next day realizing that my phone wasn’t lit up with you being the first person I’d see and talk to as I started my day. I had blocked you from every means of communication the night before after you made it clear you were “Done with this shit – that I should go be with my baby daddy”. Kind of just made me pause as if you had this planned along.. How was it so easy for you to throw away the last year an half over an argument that would have played itself out.

 I know it’s not right, we been through this a million times- But tell me what’s love without these fights? Aren’t we worth the try?

 I closed my eyes thinking this can’t be right, I’ve had my insecurities where I stood when it came to us. Made me question whether I was really happy with just settling with someone who constantly had me doubting what we built. The old me would’ve just ran and took it as a loss because it’s always been easier to run then to feel stuck. Not with you, these last couple months I wanted you and nothing less. I wanted to fight and believe that last time we broke up and made up wasn’t a waste, because this time I gave you all of me with nothing to lose but time.

 Past few months counseling had opened my eyes to my flaws and stubbornness that I possessed when being in this relationship. I put my pride aside and welcomed changed because I knew that if this meant having you for the rest of my life- I’d go through hell and back just to have you.

 I can’t even lie, I entertained the thought of leaving you recently because we couldn’t see eye to eye. Everything would get blown up, to keep from fighting I’d give in even if I didn’t agree. You took advantage of that only for you to expect it every time a conflict were to arise.  It’s like our relationship kept unfolding and you didn’t seem to be interested in building the walls back up. It was like your needs came first and whatever energy you had left you’d put forth as long as it wasn’t exhausting-I told myself I’d give us another chance before taking the next step expressing why I wanted to exit.

  Funny part is you beat me, I didn’t get that chance. I can’t help but to think like ”hey you wanted this”, but deep down I don’t know what do now that you don’t exist.

It’s only been a week , the man I had fell in love with has come alive again only difference is I no longer exist. I guess I missed the memo where you have to be single to get the same individual you first met.

  I’d love to say that I’m okay and that I’m out enjoying my new status.. But that would just prolong the pain.  I keep reminding myself that I’ve been through this before that the pain should feel familiar – But doesn’t mean it still won’t hurt.

 What hurts the most is that just last week we were exchanging I love You, now this week you already seemed to have moved on.  Going on dates , exchanging numbers, sleeping with other women because god knows its been awhile since our schedules haven’t been lining up.   Just makes me think I must of been a inconvenience and you just didn’t know how to let me go without it being made a scene. I guess the joke is on me, you did same thing in your previous relationship so why would you change this inherited behavior. 

  You were my first to just about everything when it comes to a significant other…never thought the break up would have me hurting in every spot. You control my thoughts just for it to pull up memories that keep causing a glitch in letting go .

                 I wish you the best, pray that you get the most out of the life ❤️